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Have you ever thought to yourself, the next time that happens, I'm going to pause before I react. Or I'm going to communicate more clearly. Or maybe I'm not going to let that bother me next time. But then someone says the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. And then suddenly, yeah, all that wisdom leaves the building just like Elvis. Elvis has left the building. Then you feel your body tighten, your thoughts speed up, and before you know it, hmm, yeah, you've snapped. Maybe you've shut down. Or you sent that text that you probably shouldn't have. Or maybe you said something you immediately wish you could pull back into your mouth. That is where emotional regulation gets real. It isn't simply what you understand when you're calm. It's what you can access when an emotion is already moving through your body. Welcome to the Sleep Coach. I'm your host, Shelly Simpson. If you're exhausted, but your mind won't shut off at night, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll unpack the science of sleep, hormones, and the nervous system so you can understand what's happening in your body and finally get the rest you deserve. Here we quiet the 3 a.m. mind, calm the body, and help you finally get the sleep you've been missing. This is part three of our emotional regulation series. In episode nine, we talked about why you may feel more emotionally reactive in midlife and how hormones, stress, sleep, mental load, and nervous system capacity can all affect your emotional threshold. And then in episode 10, we looked at what happens between the trigger and the reaction. We talked about recognizing patterns and noticing your body's early warning signals. Now, today we're going to take the next step. We're talking about what emotional regulation looks like in real life. Not when you're peacefully journaling with a cup of tea, but when you're frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, hurt, or just two seconds away from losing it if you have to close one more closet door or one more cabinet door, or you're apparently the only one that knows how to load the dishwasher. What do you do when the emotion has already arrived? That's what we're working through today. First, emotional regulation does not mean forcing yourself to calm down. It doesn't mean pretending you're fine, suppressing your emotions, or becoming so peaceful that nothing ever bothers you. But I've known people like that. And I'm like, can you tell me what kind of drugs you're on? Regulation means being able to experience an emotion without automatically handing a control over your next decision. You can be angry and still choose your words. You can be anxious and still take one helpful step. Or you can feel hurt and decide you're just not ready to have that conversation yet. The goal isn't to eliminate the emotion, the goal is to stay connected to yourself while the emotion is happening. Emotions carry information, but they're not always the instructions. Anger may be telling you that maybe a boundary has been crossed, or resentment might be showing you that you've been overgiving. Sadness, it might be telling you that something mattered. An overwhelm could be telling you that your coffee cup is filled to the brim. Remember that coffee cup analogy that I spoke about in the last episode? Yeah, your capacity, it's full and it can't take anymore. But the first impulse attached to that emotion isn't necessarily the action you want to take. Anger might say, send that text right now, because you just want to have the last word. Or anxiety might say, nah, I'm just gonna avoid the entire situation. I can't deal with that right now. Overwhelm might say, shut down and just do nothing. Emotional regulation gives you enough space to say, I hear what this emotion is telling me, but I'm going to decide what happens next. When an emotion becomes intense, clear thinking becomes more difficult. And that's why telling yourself to stop being ridiculous or just calm down usually doesn't help. Now you're not only upset, you're upset with yourself for being upset. This can be especially important during midlife when emotional capacity may already be affected by poor sleep, chronic stress, hormonal changes, sensory overload, or that mental weight of just managing too many things and too many plates spinning at the same time for too many people. This doesn't excuse hurtful behavior, however, but it helps explain why reasoning alone might not be enough in the heat of the moment. Sometimes your body just needs support before your brain can access the response you actually want to choose. I want to give you a simple framework to use when you notice an emotion beginning to take over. I call it the reset practice. So the R is recognize, recognize what is happening. E is for exhale, exhale and reduce the intensity. S is for separate, separate the facts from the story. E is for explore, explore what you may need. And then T is for take the next intentional step. You don't have to complete this perfectly. With practice, it may take only a few minutes or sometimes even a few seconds. But let's just walk through it. Let's talk about recognize. That first step is noticing that you've been activated. Many of us don't recognize the emotion until we're already reacting. Maybe we've noticed that we've already snapped or we sent that email, or after we've replayed the conversation in our head for three hours. Start by noticing your body. Is your jaw tight? Does your chest feel heavy? Are your shoulders starting to creep up towards your ears? Does your face feel hot? Do you feel shaky or restless or numb or just suddenly exhausted? I know in myself I'll start to get shaky. And I can feel just my senses just all they're exasperated, basically. So these sensations may be your first clue that your nervous system has registered something important. Then try to put simple language around it, like I am feeling irritated, or I'm feeling dismissed. Or maybe it's I'm feeling anxious or I'm feeling overwhelmed. You don't need to identify the perfect emotion. The purpose is simply to recognize that something is happening in me right now. Instead of saying I'm angry, try saying I'm noticing anger. Instead of I am so completely overwhelmed, try. I'm noticing that overwhelm is showing up. That small language change reminds you that the emotion is an experience you're having. It's that reframe and it isn't your identity, and it won't last forever. Let's go into exhale. We're going to exhale and reduce the intensity. Once you recognize that you're activated, resist the urge to solve the entire situation immediately. First, help your body come down a notch. You're not trying to move from, say, a 10 to a zero automatically. You just may only be trying to move from a 10 to say maybe an eight. That little reduction can be enough to give you more choices and just give you that space to give you more choices. You might take a few slow breaths, allowing your exhale to be slightly longer than your inhale. We've talked about this before, or even that five, five, seven breath that I've talked about in episodes previous. Taking breath in for five, holding for five, and then exhaling for seven. Or maybe you just need to unclench your jaw or lower your shoulders, plant both your feet on the floor, step outside, or just walk around the room. Maybe if you're near some water, you could splash some cold water on your face. Or look around and just name several things that you can see. Just a way to distract yourself. Remember when you took your kids to the doctor's office and you were trying to distract them because it was taking forever and you're sitting there waiting forever in the waiting room, and you've asked your kid, hey, I see something green. Look around and tell me everything that you see that is green, or you know, the I see game. I used to do that with my kids all the time. These aren't tricks to make the emotion disappear. They are just reminding your body that I'm here, I can slow down, and I don't have to act immediately. I mean, if breathing exercises make you uncomfortable, you don't have to use them. Just maybe try movement or even music. I listen to music a lot. I mean, for me, worship music helps ground me as well. And trying to just it helps calm me down. Just ground it through your senses or just change your environment. The best strategy is the one that's going to safely lower the intensity enough for you to just regain access to the choice. Now, S is for separate, separate the facts from the story. Once the intensity comes down slightly, ask, what are the facts? And what is the story my mind is creating around them? So, like the fact may be my friend hasn't responded to my message. The story might be saying, She's upset with me. I must have said something wrong. She just doesn't value our friendship. So another scenario could be that the fact is my boss asked me to revise the presentation while the story is saying, he thinks I'm not competent or I can't do anything right. Oh no, my job is in danger. Your interpretation may turn out to be correct, maybe, but this isn't about convincing yourself that everything is just completely wonderful. It's about recognizing that your first interpretation may not be the only possible explanation. So ask yourself, what do I know for certain? What am I assuming? Is there another possible explanation? Am I reacting only to this moment, or is this touching on an older wound or familiar pattern? Sometimes the reaction isn't only about what just happened. The current situation might be landing on years of just feeling ignored or unappreciated or just overly responsible or afraid of disappointing people. That doesn't make your emotion wrong, though. It helps you to understand why it feels so big. Let's go into E, which is explore. Explore what you need. Next, ask what is the emotion trying to tell me that I need? Maybe you just need rest or you need some reassurance or you just need more information. Maybe you need space before continuing that conversation. Maybe you need to eat because it's been four, five, six hours, and you know, coffee is just not going to cut it. Maybe you need some help. Maybe you need to set a boundary. That's a big one. Maybe you need to admit that your schedule and your responsibilities are just you just can't sustain them any longer. It's just too much. This step matters because sometimes we keep trying to regulate the emotion while ignoring the situation that continues to create it. You cannot deep breathe your way out of a boundary that needs to be set. And you cannot gratitude journal your way out of a chronic overcommitment, although I'm all about keeping a gratitude journal, but that doesn't necessarily take care of the fact that you are overcommitted. Regulation helps you address the problem more intentionally. It doesn't require you to tolerate the problem indefinitely. Let's go into T, which is take the next intentional step. Finally, ask what response will serve me best? Not only for the next 30 seconds, but after this moment has passed. Your response might be speaking or waiting or asking a question, maybe taking a break, or just saying, I'm getting overwhelmed and I don't want to say something I don't mean. So I just need a few minutes. Or I really want to talk about this, but I'm just not ready to do this calmly yet. Or when that happened, I felt dismissed. Can we talk about it? Or I just don't have the capacity to take that on right now. Or I'm noticing that I'm making assumptions. Can you tell me what you meant? Or even I understand that you're disappointed, but my answer is still no. Regulation doesn't guarantee a comfortable conversation ouch. Sometimes the regulated response might be direct. Sometimes it disappoints someone. Sometimes it changes a relationship dynamic that other people benefited from. The difference is that the response is intentional instead of impulsive. Let's talk about resetting in real life. Imagine that you've had a long day. You didn't sleep well, work was really stressful. Maybe you stopped at the grocery store and you're just trying to figure out what to eat for dinner. And then someone walks into the kitchen and you hear them ask, What's for dinner? It's that simple question. But your body hears, this is just one more thing that I have to be responsible for. Then your chest tightens and you're about to yell. There may be a real imbalance in your household that needs to be addressed, but yelling from a place of overload probably won't create that conversation that you want. So you reset. Recognize I'm overwhelmed and irritated. Exhale. Pause. Lower your shoulders. Allow that intensity to come down slightly. Remember, 10 to an eight or an eight to a six. Separate. The fact is that someone asked about dinner, but the larger story is that you feel responsible for managing everybody's needs. Explore. Maybe you need food or you need help or possibly a larger conversation about shared responsibilities. Then take the next intentional step. So you say, you know, I'm really running on empty today. I've had a really stressful day. And I just need someone else to help handle dinner tonight. And I'd like us to talk later about sharing this responsibility more consistently. That doesn't suppress your frustration. It just translates your frustration into a clear request. This is emotional regulation in real life. It may not look as glamorous as meditating peacefully on a mountaintop, but it's much more useful on a Tuesday evening. You won't always catch the emotion before the reaction. Sometimes you'll snap, shut down, or send that text or that email. That doesn't mean you failed. Emotional regulation also includes what you do afterward. You can say, okay, that came out more harshly than I intended. So let me try again. Or I am sorry for the way I spoke to you. I was overwhelmed, but that wasn't an appropriate way to communicate it. The concern underneath my reaction is still important, but I'd like to talk about it differently. Your emotions are valid, and your behavior is still your responsibility. Both things can be true. Repair isn't evidence that you're bad at regulation. Repair is part of regulation. Here's what I want you to remember emotional regulation isn't about becoming less emotional, it's about becoming more intentional with your emotions. Recognize what's happening, reduce the intensity in your body, separate the facts from the story, explore what you need. Then take the next intentional step. This week, don't try to just master the entire reset practice that we just talked about. Just simply notice one moment when your body begins to react and say, hmm, something's happening in me right now. That moment of awareness is where choice begins. And if you don't catch it in time, you can pause, repair, and just try again. That's progress too. And if this episode helped you, share it with another woman who's been feeling emotionally stretched thin lately. And follow the Sleep Coach podcast because you don't want to miss part four of this emotional regulation series that I hope you are enjoying. Next, we're going to talk about what happens when the reaction has already happened, how to repair the moment without drowning in guilt, overapologizing, or ignoring the real issue underneath it. Until next time, give yourself a little grace. You aren't trying to become a woman who never feels overwhelmed, angry, anxious, or hurt. You're basically learning how to stay connected to yourself when you do. And that is what real emotional strength looks like. This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for personalized mental health or medical care. If your emotions feel unmanageable, interfere with daily life, or cause concern about your safety or somebody else's, please contact a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Thank you for spending this time with me today. Be sure to hit follow so you don't miss what's coming next week. And before you go today, would you do me a quick favor? Please leave a rating in review. Your support will help more women find the show. Remember, you're not broken. Your body just needs support. Until next time, keep calming the mind, supporting the body, and creating the conditions for better sleep. Sweet dreams.